Cliffhanger

•December 9, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Ghosting isn’t a solution, really. You are just prolonging the problem. Why, you think the problem disappears upon your return from the dead? I don’t think so.

There’s a difference between taking responsibility and being one’s responsibility. We cannot let our being f*d up stall us from performing our obligations. Let’s be mature enough to own it up. I mean, what are friends for, right? They’re there when you need support. They don’t need explanations because, heck, they know what you’re going through. But how many times should we kid ourselves with that easy escape route? Albus Dumbledore once said about the difficulty choosing between what is right and what is easy. And yet, whichever choice we make, it would definitely shape us and how others would perceive us. History has its eyes on you.

Yeah, it’s easy to just disappear. We all have those days when we just want to be left alone. But it’s really disappointing to just be left hanging from a cliff, not knowing what to do, with barely even a notice. So it’s either you struggle to climb and save yourself, with all your effort, or just let go and let the depths of the ocean drown you. Choices can lead to one’s survival or one’s demise. But we keep on forgetting that we are not alone.

I wish you’d remember that.

We are here.

Where are you?

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The Woes of A Potterhead

•November 18, 2018 • Leave a Comment

The moment I read the news that Joanne Kathleen Rowling is writing five screenplays focusing on the adventures of one author of a certain Hogwarts textbook, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, my heart skipped–Potterhead that I am. It will be set in the 1920s, ending timely with the end of World War II, specifically on the climactic battle of Dumbledore and Grindelwald in 1945. Imagine my excitement: The Wizarding World is expanding!

November 2016. The whole world was introduced to Newt Scamander. I actually liked the film, despite the cluttered writing of JKR. David Yates, the director who helmed the last four Potter films, did a great job translating this whole new world into the silver screen. The film was not met without controversy (from the casting of Johnny Depp to the changes on spellcasting logic). Back then, I was still a giddy Potterhead who blindly consumes whatever Rowling was gifting us. Some of the friends I know have the same mindset. We all accepted it as it is, no questions, no analyses. It’s the writing, the storytelling of somebody who shaped us–shaped me and my brilliant friends–growing up. So, yeah, Fantastic Beasts was something refreshing for me–until I’ve watched it the second time. Honestly, it is the only Potter film that I’m not as excited to rewatch. And that’s coming from someone who’s seen the eight installments multiple times.

I’ve reread the books (the sacred seven texts) countless times as well (two decades is enough time to read all books whenever you can). I’ve studied the canon. I’ve learned and memorized all small details: from the Hogwarts Houses, all the professors’s names, the places in the Wizarding World, the histories of each character, the spells, and the logic of the world. I am proud to say I am one of those Potterheads who can tell you any trivial matter in the Potterverse.

All the more, my appreciation and understanding of the Potterverse expanded after listening to Mallory Rubin and Jason Concepcion of Bingemode, a podcast tackling pop culture. That’s after some serious prodding from my best friend, Anna. (I’m currently listening on their deep dive discussions on The Half-Blood Prince.)

When the final trailer of Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald was released weeks ago, I was ecstatic! It’s back to the Wizarding World. Younger Dumbledore! Paris! New beasts! But…said trailer details met several reactions, mostly shock.

The Nagini reveal was one of the most shocking and polarizing revisionism ever made in the history of literature. This was the moment my blinds were shattered. I can’t understand what this is all about. When was this established in the canon, I asked myself. Fans were torn about it; one side says it’s a great development, another says it’s a dumb change. And change it does as to the light we see Lord Voldemort’s closest ally and Horcrux. And, as honest as I can be, I hate it. This was the point where I asked myself: will the sequel have more twists in store? That dread left a bad taste in my mouth.

November 15, 2018. 11:00AM. I bought my ticket for Grindelwald at Ayala Centrio Cinemas and waited for 1PM to arrive. I wasn’t excited, perhaps of the fact that I also happened to watch the finale of American Horror Story: Apocalypse that morning, and when I took my seat (I11) inside the theater (Cinema 2), the WB trailers blazing by, I barely had any trepidation or any feeling, for that matter, when the WB logo faded in the screen. (Also, a viewer was snoring loudly just five seats away in a row in front of me. Talk about…foreshadowing.)

SPOILER ALERT. Be warned!!!

Okay. I was supposed to rewatch Crimes of Grindelwald before I write anything OBJECTIVELY about it, but…allow me to just rant at what was happening (like fifteen year-old Harry James Potter). I’ll just do an enumeration of the things I like and abhor in the sequel of the Fantastic Beasts saga…

For those who have watched the film already, I implore you, for us to have a discussion on the following matters with mugs of Butterbeer between us.

For those who haven’t, stay away until you watched.

***

1. Loved the costumes. Except, Newt doesn’t have other clothes? That costume was so first film. The others have new designs…

2. Loved the expansion of the Wizarding World to Paris. But no Beauxbatons cameo? Also, whatever happened to MACUSA’s name? You just replace it with American Ministry of Magic. And if it’s in UK, you call it British Ministry of Magic. And in France…? Yeah, the French, of course. You got to be kidding me. But you still saved it by showing us Nurmengard—although…it didn’t look like a prison? It looked more what I imagined Durmstrang would look like.

3. Good choice of introducing less new fantastic beasts to ogle at. Some of the new beasts in the film: a zouwu, firedrakes, a kelpie, a kappa, and an augerey. Shaking my head at the beast ex machina that happened in the end relating to…

4. I like that blood pact reveal between APWBD and GG. Obvs, Dumbledore will destroy that a la Horcrux. Though, will he?

5. Also, love the blue fire vs yellow fire sequence in that cemetery. So Zuko-Azula Agni Kai.

6. I like the sorcerer’s stone easter egg.

7. BUT THAT STUPID CRYSTAL BALL OF FLAMEL WTF WAS THAT.

8. But seriously…ANOTHER FUCKING PROPHECY? What a fucking joke?

9. I like the World War II foreshadowing. But don’t like the implication that Grindelwald might be the cause of Hitler’s rise…just too in-the-nose.

10. Too many supporting characters supporting supporting characters…? Who barely have anything to do in the story…(i.e. Theseus Scamander, Nicolas Flamel, Nagini, Vinda Rosier) I bet you, most of you barely heard their names throughout the film. Most of you barely get to know them!

11. Apparating in Hogwarts grounds? Who the F– is the headmaster that time? Also, why does Dumbledore seem to be the only professor in Hogwarts around?

12. Oh wait. There’s McGonagall…who should be considered an anachronistic flaw? It’s 1927 and she isn’t born yet? Please explain, JKR. (Another revisionism I am appalled to think about. Really, JK?)

13. There’s a baby swapping subplot for Credence which made no sense at all. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes.

14. Um, there were Muggles/non-magique in that Circus—um, isn’t that a violation of The Statute of Secrecy??? SERIOUSLY. And after all those carnage from Credence and Nagini’s escape…

15. Not having Grindelwald to kill a baby just so he wouldn’t be compared to Voldemort? Hmmmm? Saw what you did there, JK.

16. Queenie turning to the other side was a less established arc for me, that’s why I felt not invested with all the Jacob-Queenie relationship at all. Also, Tina just got downgraded into a nonsense love triangle…?

17. I never imagined looking at a Phoenix in a bad light. Wtf…

18. GRINDELWALD HAS MAGIC OVER TIME? How did he advance that phoenix’s growth? Ugh. Magic logic is subpar and not well-thought of here.

19. HOW DARE YOU INTRODUCE LETA LESTRANGE AND KILL HER OFF?

20. Fucking AURELIUS DUMBLEDORE…so you’re saying that Credence fucking Barebone is a Dumbledore…??? Um. What. And you think making him as another Obscurial just like his sister Ariana would make it so intriguing??? Such a cheap twist and basically lessens the emotional impact of Dumbledore’s journey to defy Grindelwald’s FOR THE GREATER GOOD. Not to mention…how the fuck did their parents have a secret baby after Ariana, when Dumbledore Sr was sent to Azkaban after attacking those three Muggle teens? (Author’s revisionism is a dangerous thing to deal with.)

***

Of course, many of you will disagree with me. You will say, “The movie was amazing!” “Rowling is such a wonderful storyteller,” “That was a mindblowing twist!”

Well, we all have our opinions.

But sometimes, you should take a step back and look at the whole situation as objectively as possible. Yes, the film (in the whole technical and entertainment sense) was amazing. It got all the great action sequences a film about magic should have. I’ll agree with you on that. But it didn’t have an essential plot (it was all subplots being all over the place), the characters were barely developed, and that final act was such a horrible montage.

Rowling as a storyteller? Yeah, she’s a great writer. A majestic novelist. But as a screenwriter? I definitely think not. She should just write in the novel form and have someone else adapt it properly.

On that “mindblowing” twist? I rolled my eyes so hard at that I believe my eyes saw my brain freezing from the whole nonsense of it. (See No. 20)

The legacy of Harry Potter is a beautiful, magical world filled with rules, with well-thought characterization, and, most importantly, relationship building. If I believe whatever transpired in Crimes of Grindelwald to be canon, it will lead to a total collapse of everything I believe in, to everything I’ve learned about these characters. And I don’t want this disastrous devolution to do that. This, like The Cursed Child, is an amusing and terribly sad enigma. I badly want to love it, but there’s just no magic to it. And that’s huge coming from a Potter fan.

2017 Resolution

•January 19, 2017 • Leave a Comment

This was what I have feared.

Not cockroaches, although I go ballistic once they fly around my head. I would already apologize in advance to anyone I would hit. My rubber slipper is my best friend on this account.

Not the eyeless baby doll that my younger brother had left lying around the house. I hated the idea of those black empty sockets staring at me. They reminded me of that one episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Not only that, dolls reminded me of clowns, and, yes, I was definitely afraid of clowns. I could remember that joke throughout Facebook that Killer Clowns have arrived in Cagayan de Oro City. I was on the lookout then.

Right. Despite flying ugly insects and white-faced entertainers, what I feared the most was—

“I cheated on you,” he said, without so much of a hesitation. He was wearing his white long-sleeved polo, tight on his toned physique. That didn’t distract me from my immediate shock.

Fireworks could be heard from the distance, prematurely lighted by their owners. It was still fifteen minutes before the New Year arrived. We were sitting, side-by-side, on my late father’s narra bench in the living room. Home Alone 2 was blaring from the TV screen. Unlike little Macaulay Caulkin screaming piercingly from the screen, I was shouting from the inside. Eventually, to distract myself from his pronouncement, I took the remote and shut the TV off.

Silence.

“Say something.”

There were many things I wanted to tell him now. I have not the faintest idea where and how to start. As if liquid fire flowed through my veins, I felt my limbs and body heat up. Then in a blink, it was replaced by a void. I felt nothing. Then I remembered. I am the one to be blamed here.

I cheated on him. My fiancé. We got engaged last year hoping that we could finally let go of our horrible past, or what I called the GYM GUY era. I cheated on him with a random stranger from Axis Gym. How many times? Twice? Thrice? I couldn’t remember how many trysts and one-night stands I managed to do while we were together. Gym guy—and other men. He never knew, until he snooped around my phone. Too bad for me, he has these telescopic eyes that could see far from normal. That’s how he probably knew my PIN. After that discovery, he became always so eager to find me at fault. I couldn’t blame him. I was known to be promiscuous. Even back in college.

Back then, I considered him my ultimate crush. He was cute, witty, very talented, and with eyes that glint of otherworldly knowledge. He was kind to everybody. He was of the old rich but you wouldn’t know by looking at his lanky frame back then. He was always so simple. That was probably the reason why I fell for him. I knew that girls and guys wanted him, but I did more effort to finally get him to notice me. I became his best friend.

Typical, I know. But that’s the formula that always worked in movies. All those Gerald Anderson and Kim Chiu movies taught me that (Paano na Kaya? was definitely the culprit.). It all starts with friendship, those movies said. And, my, my, what friendship it was. Having him close by made my heart flutter every time I get a scent of his Oxygen cologne, Static. I once did buy the same cologne from the said store, and masturbated to it, with his handkerchief covering my face, imagining him and me in bed—now that’s too much information. Kinky. But I guess I was already falling for him. Or that was just me and being a Scorpio.

“I don’t know what to say,” I told him. What should I tell him? That I hated him now? That I couldn’t bear to look at him? That I wanted him out of the house? As much as I wanted to, I didn’t want to sound the hypocrite. Well, I was. We both were.

“You probably have something to say,” he desperately moaned. “We want to have a clean slate before the New Year, and just saying that doesn’t help us at all. Na unsa man ka.

There he is. To tell you the truth, he was never the kind and loving guy I thought he was. He was manipulative, an emotional blackmailer, a Type-A asshole. He was paranoid with everything that I did. Going out with my friends? I was hanging out with another guy. Going to an out of city trip? He believed I was fucking someone behind his back.

Again, I couldn’t blame him. This was after the second time he discovered I had another pipe cleaning session with another guy. You see, every time after we had an argument about something he didn’t like, I usually black out and contact any other guy who was available to console me at that time. And by console, I mean, have myself choke someone else’s Hungarian sausage. And soon enough, he discovered from my private messages in Instagram that I was cheating on him with this Chinese Filipino cutie, who was five years our junior. We both are twenty-six years old. I called that the YOUNG CHINOY era. By then, trust between us was powdered china, impossible to reassemble with whatever glue. I never told our friends or anyone how big a problem he was. He was Mr. Perfect after all.

I knew he wanted to hear me say it.

“I am angry. Upset ko. I want to break something, but I feel,” my voice broke. I took a deep breath. “I feel wala ko’y right to feel this.” I looked straightly at him. Happy?

I could see a smile twitch. He caught himself. Or was I becoming as paranoid as he was? He wasn’t as mean—no, as evil as this. But I carried on.

“You know, there were so many guys in Facebook na sige’g chat nako,” I began, trying to play with current emotions. “But sila Debbie, sige ko nila’g kasab-an. I even asked Charles once, “Charles, feeling nako naay lain si Paolo. Ngano man ni?Mag-ingon ra dayon si Charles na, “Ay paghunahuna ana, sis. Sure man ko di na mabuhat ni Paolo.””

We both exhaled. He brushed his delicious brown hair with his veined hands. I stopped myself from grabbing him and kissing him just to shut him up, though he wasn’t speaking at all.

Kabalo man ko na naa kay lain na mga ginaflirt-flirt,” I continued. Let it all out, Alexis. “I know. And I don’t blame you.

Ako ni sala tanan.

In every argument we had for the past six years, it was always my fault. Always. Have you ever had those conversations with trolls in social media, where you are arguing, giving all your points with a particular issue, and despite all of it being rational ones, you still end up being the loser? That’s how it is with him, but the opposite. He was just too logical, always presenting counterarguments that actually make sense, unlike the fucking trolls in social media. With every rebuttal that I cast at him, he has a better point. And in the end, I always shut my mouth. I was the one in the losing end. I only had my way with him…as of the present, four times? Yawa no?

“It,” he stuttered. “It wasn’t only flirting that happened.”

Chchchchshcshshshshshshshsksshshskkkk. I heard static. All around us, the walls of the living room blackened as if tar gruelingly flowed down from the corners of the ceiling. I didn’t feel his hands on mine. His words muffled like a drowning clown; they didn’t matter. I heard him say something about leaving.

Paolo had fucked someone behind my back, just when, in fact, I have tried so hard to be faithful after that careless YOUNG CHINOY era. This couldn’t be true, right? He wouldn’t dare. He was abusive, yes, but he wouldn’t do this. He knew how much this will crush me—despite the multiple times of convincing him and myself that I am not the jealous type.

But he did. For revenge or for pleasure, I wasn’t so sure. Pleasure is relative for him after all.

I looked at him, but he wasn’t there beside me. I glanced at the clock. It told me it was ten minutes before the New Year. Engaged, I thought, and we still have so many things to know about each other. I turned the TV on again. The Force Awakens brightly reflected on my eyes. I was definitely Kylo Ren, anger focused on an imagined console, slashing and destroying that said imagined console with my menacing red lightsaber.

I thought, and thought, and thought. Questions. So many questions flew inside my mind like bats disturbed during the day. Are we to end this? Or should we make it a clean slate? Is that even still possible, given how toxic a relationship we actually have? Can this be a resolution for 2017? Will we ever learn to trust each other again?

I saw our photograph on a frame, on top of the corner table. The glass was cracked. We looked so happy. Then I remembered all those happy moments we had, ever since we became friends, and then memories when we became more than that. And of course, all the bad memories worked their way in as well.

I called his phone. I was surprised to hear the ringing from the kitchen. I went up to our bedroom.

Abi nako nilakaw ka,” I said from the doorway. He was seated on the bed, crying. With his hands covering his face, he looked like a child who lost his toy. I sat beside him. “Why did you it?”

He wiped his face and cleared his throat. “I…I don’t know. You and I, we’ve never had any action for months! And I wanted to hurt you. But it was only once. Right after I found out you cheated on me again. I always wanted to tell you. I though now was the perfect time.”

“You always have the knack with perfect timings,” I said sarcastically, smiling at him. He looked very remorseful. I couldn’t be sure though. He was, after all, one of the best actors I’ve met. Everything about him seemed rehearsed. Anyone could always fall for him. He was quite the charmer. “New Year na New Year, Pao.”

“I wanted both of us to start fresh.” He paused, then, “Tell me, naa pa kay lain mga buto gi-ngalngal paghuman ‘tong nag-away ta?

Fire returned in my limbs. This time, I really hit him on the head with my fist. “Gago ka! We are dealing with what you did right now.” I hit him again. “Sa kadaghan nimo ginapadungog-dungog sa Facebook, wala na koy lain gi-chupa, yawa ra. And again, ginakasab-an nako nila Debbie. Pasalamat ka sa ila.” One last hit.

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. He looked at me, with those glinting eyes. I knew he was telling the truth. “All I want is for us to have a clean slate.” Then thoughtfully, he added, “I never expected to fall in love with you. Seeing after you have a small pi-pi, I should have left you.”

Mao ba,” I said. I took the pillow and hit him a couple more times. He mentioned that every after we argue. “Ali na, we still have to light the fireworks.”

He lied on his back, staring at me. “Are we done talking about this?” He sat up. His voice was frail and light as a newborn kitten’s. “Lex…what are we now?”

I sighed. “Five years, Pao. We’ve encountered far worse shits than this. And I’ve expected this to happen. But I wish we will be more honest to each other more than ever. I only want you.”

He wet his dry lips with his tongue—the sexiest thing he constantly did.

“I can’t see anyone else with me in the future. Ikaw ra. So ayaw nag inuwag diha sa lain.”

“Likewise.” I stood from the bed, but he grabbed me by the hand.

“One thing you need to promise me, Lex,” he said, his brown gaze so intense that I immediately sat back on the bed. “Please put me down from that pedestal. Dili ko si Mister Perfect. Tell your friends, I’m an asshole. Na gago ko. Na yawa ko. I don’t want to be pressured from how you make them see me. Mao ra na akong ginapangayo nimo.

It all flashed in my head. All those times I kept defending him from Debbie. He was right. I’ve always placed him like a saint, despite his many sins. He was nothing more than a trophy for me to show around. A glass shattered in front of me, finally making me see clearly outside.

I only nodded.

“All I want is for you to trust me.”

Paolo held my hand. It was smooth as a baby’s. “I will.”

It was three minutes before the clock struck twelve. Paolo and I set the boxes of fireworks outside the yard, securing it around with hollow blocks. With the countdown of ABS-CBN’s annual New Year Countdown Concert in full volume from the living room, Paolo and I held hands together as we waited for that loud zero.

The sky above us filled with vivid colors, accompanied with flashy cracks and booms from the various fireworks lighted around the area. We both looked up. Our necks were straining for the magnificent pyrotechnic view. Paolo’s face was splashed with reds, greens, and yellows from the kaleidoscope of flares from above. He looked very happy with his perfect smile. His beady eyes, teary, were smiling as well. I never saw him this joyous. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but I hoped we both share the same thoughts. As I stared in awe at the sky, I thought that 2017 will be a brighter and better year.

I gazed at Paolo again, and as he glanced back at me, with those happy, hopeful eyes, my fear immediately was doused.

Writing is…

•August 28, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Something that I love.

Something that I will protect.

Something that I will do every day.

Something that will allow me to convey a message.

 

 

Well. I’ve just recovered this blog site.

•August 28, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Excellent.

Mockingjay Part 2: Killing Is Personal

•November 18, 2015 • Leave a Comment

As much as grand finales end with a bang, The Hunger Games’s final installment delivered to a notch but not as anticipated.
The film directly starts two weeks after Peeta’s strangling of Katniss, with the latter recovering from lack of voice.
Anyway, I love how faithful this was to the material, and how some parts were creatively added to give the storytelling much flavor.
Jennifer Lawrence is still as brilliant and in-depth as our heroine since the very beginning and we see how she portrays the journey her character has gone through. The rest of the cast were brilliant.
This final film would never have been more successful without it being in the hands of director Francis Lawrence. He made sure all scenes were so full of tension you could almost hear every heartbeat in the cinema and in the movie itself.
The film not only mirrors the present situation in the real world, but it also, again as in the first part, uses propaganda in control of the media.
If you’re a fan or not, the film is a good way to forget, for two hours, the real world.

After All These Months

•November 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I told you. I will be back.

I’ve been gone for soooooo long I think I forget how to write properly. (Hence the many ‘o’s‘)

I’m actually at the office. Work. And just a second WordPress sprang into my mind while I was browsing through Apple App Store in my phone. (Yes, that’s one of the new things about me this year. I finally got an iPhone. As a friend commented, I “gave in to the devil.” So I took this opportunity to steal a few minutes away from actual work and write something insightful of the events that have happened to me this year.

I’m not so sure how long I’ve been gone. But I have decided—nope, dedicated, committed myself into writing again.

You see, one of the factors of the past months (?) of unproductive journalism (If I can even call what I do journalism. Creative non-fiction, perhaps?) is that I’ve been swamped with the realness of that thing we dread most of our lives—day job. Being an artist/writer/actor, etc., being in a routine place, doing routine work is totally incapacitating and dull that it dries up all your creativity without you even noticing it. It’s like your brain just starts to rust, and not even some lubricants will help stop the spread, not unless you get a brain transplant. Not that I’m complaining, my day job provides me sufficient compensation (but probably not equal to the heavy load being tasked upon me most of the times), and it’s the one that helps me survive and continue to do artistic endeavors as much as I can. I’ve been involved in artistic projects since I’ve started work, and there was never a conflict (so far).

First, I acted in a short film, Across the Universe, under our film production company, [unttld] productions. Here’s the link: PART 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9g6j2U1Ops and for PART 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNYAwF-2STU It won Best Editing and 3rd Place Best Short Film for the 7th Cinemagis Film Festival. I was nominated for Best Actor, which was nice. A few months after this, (Cinemagis happened last January, as I can remember) I joined to act on another short film, LUCID, under Cloyd’s Phoenix Films. It won Best Cinematography, and also Best Actress for one of my co-actors, Korr. It was thrilling because it was my first time to portray a Muslim and I have to smoke (um…asthmatic). It was a new challenge for me as an actor, to be honest. Another acting project I joined by February was The Vagina Monologues and A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer. You may ask me, how the hell do you find the time to join all that even with a day job? Well, nothing beats passion and doing what you’re really good, right? Screw the fatigue! As of the moment, I am involved in a production for HIV/AIDS Awareness Campaign for World AIDS Day on December 1. The production is called LIMA (“Five”), in which five monologues about PLHIV will be acted out by actors.

Now you  know why I’ve been away from the writing scene.

Besides that, I’ve also been involving myself these past five months on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for a doze of brain-lubricating activities such as the Boy Zugba Trivia Night (on Tuesday evenings) and the frustrating GEEK WARS at Loretos Grill. This is gonna be a humblebrag but our team Y Khurat! always win (for the Boy Zugba, but for the GEEK WARS, it’s always a close call.) We’ve been defending champions for both trivia nights for three consecutive months already. Teehee. I love my team, seriously.

So, yeah, that’s about it, I guess. The last factor, I’ve decided to just keep it to myself. But it was about me hitting rock bottom. Depression is a bitch. I’m not gonna tell you what about really. Or what contributed to it. But that’s just it. I’ve been depressed for a few months. I don’t want to talk to a therapist. Right now, I’m feeling all right. Will power is one’s greatest asset in beating depression. Slow but sure. I guess writing will be my therapy. It has always been. And with all the questions forming in my head, I think writing about it will give me answers that I’ve been looking for.

I’m ready for my therapy. 😉